Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!

“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.

The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.

Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?

Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…

Not today Satan.

Not today.

Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?

Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her

I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.

*first date*

Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight

During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.

WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out

God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.

I’d describe him as a little standoffish.

[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister

4: I didn’t know lizards were cold

6:

4:

6: BLIZZards

Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled