Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.

“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone

When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume

Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*

i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha

Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

23. the denim jacket

My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.

I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.

[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what

judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth

me: yes

judge: who do you like

me: omg dare

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.

[first day at the cia]

supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.

me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.

This is Sparta

Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*

Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?

If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.