@theflipgod

#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…

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@PatsATweetin

eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW

@CulturedRuffian

My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.

@Gupton68

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

@thholyghost

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

@kelkulus

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

@Mom_Overboard

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

@gojarbe

*spills water on pants*

ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants

“hey what happ–”

MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL