Worth a try
You Might Also Like
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
*serious situation*
My brain:
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.