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My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Employees must applaud the planets.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.