Worth a try
You Might Also Like
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
HERE’S MARKY
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead