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Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Ok who’s got my black socks?
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
🦝🔥🦝🔥
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping