Worth remembering.
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My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget
McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch