Worth remembering.
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Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
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Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Oh the world we live in…
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
