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Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
💁🏻♂️
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant