Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
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It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them