Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
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Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Science memes
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.