Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

what the

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family

ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?

KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!

ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?

Don’t touch my fries.

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.

Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.

Me: I don’t think I belong

Therapist: Do you think you be short?

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

When taking your driving test:

1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?

[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]

“Oh peas no!”

[WHAP]

“Why u bean like this?”

[SMACK]

“Don’t u carrot all?”

[CRACK]

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.

Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people

Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids

Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM