would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
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Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
How tf did it end up there?
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.