would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
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Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
i really liked this one
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”