would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
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me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Confused owl: What?!
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.