Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.

Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.

It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.

There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.

Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.

If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.

It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.

**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!

Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?

If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁

Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk

so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion

Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something

you’re damn right i have

if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet

Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

Getting ready for school this morning:

Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”

5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”

Me: “……..no.”

My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.

[ first day as job recruiter ]

me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife

him: teller?

me: yes that’s why I’m calling

every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized

guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise