Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
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Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Can Happiness buy money?
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
