Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
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7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh