Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”

Facebook memories be like

My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.

Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?

Me: Lol I know right

Therapist: For real though

Me: Can you imagine haha

Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion

Me: Wait, that’s an option?

Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.

My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.

Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽‍♀️

I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.

When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.

I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.

Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.

Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”

When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas

my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means

*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*

It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.

Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?