Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
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I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
This a good idea
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
The little toadstool has spoken.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up