Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
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Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray