Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
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[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Expect the unexporcupine.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat