Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
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Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song