Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”

Me: “Yes.”

W:

M:

W:

Me: “I mean no.”

W:

M: “How many guesses do I get?”

Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.

Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”

me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is

her: ur welcome

me: it really means a lot

For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.

Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.

I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?

Me: I don’t know, CAN you?

*High-fives high school English teacher*

You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.

This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am

please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer

The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.

Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!

[Casino]

Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.

Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow

boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq