Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
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[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
🤣😂🤣😂
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with