Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her

Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

THERAPIST: what brings you in today?

ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.

THERAPIST: *starts to cry*

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.

I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat

can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭

Her: No filter!

Me: Add one tho

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.

Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.

Me: Clive? What’s he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.

*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!

*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*

Me: Nailed it.

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

Laundry to do list;

□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.

You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.

Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.