Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
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Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
respect
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening