Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
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Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building