Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
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*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
[Wine tasting]
Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?
— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
sure, why not
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.