Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

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Twilight drinking game rules:

1) drink 40 shots when you press play so you can die before the movie starts.


I miss being a kid and playing cowboys and Indians. Now whenever I chase people around with a tomahawk I get arrested.


My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.


Horton hears a who
Horton hears a what
Horton hears a chicka chicka slim shady

Horton is listening to Eminem


Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.


[tense situation in the war room]
“Ok now type in the nuke codes EXACTLY as I say them or it’ll blow.1-4-7-teen”
[huge explosion]


Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?


Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.


Safe to say a good 38% of my life is spent trying to sleep while the 18yr old stomps through the house like an angry triceratops.