@AimeeHelene1

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

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@chickenmclovin

Twilight drinking game rules:

1) drink 40 shots when you press play so you can die before the movie starts.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I miss being a kid and playing cowboys and Indians. Now whenever I chase people around with a tomahawk I get arrested.

@TwinSurvivalist

My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.

@SatansTongue

Horton hears a who
Horton hears a what
Horton hears a chicka chicka slim shady

Horton is listening to Eminem

@1_swarthy_dude

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

@Karate_Horse

[tense situation in the war room]
“Ok now type in the nuke codes EXACTLY as I say them or it’ll blow.1-4-7-teen”
CRAP
[huge explosion]

@PS_IRuddYou

Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?

@shadygrenade

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

@Gwinifer

Safe to say a good 38% of my life is spent trying to sleep while the 18yr old stomps through the house like an angry triceratops.