Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.

This is my life.

Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…

Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep

Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300

there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”

“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.

And other 5am thoughts

Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.

Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*

My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?

Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*

Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina

Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]

Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.

6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?

Me:

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.

What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?

My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.

The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion

Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination

rest in peas

My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.

6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name