Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
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Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.