Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
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Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?