Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
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Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.