Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!

Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.

I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.

I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:

– candy 🍬🍭🍫

– parties🍕🎉🍻

– costumes👯👺👽

– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹

– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲

I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.

A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!

Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.

I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it

honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.

They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow

Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?

Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.

Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose

My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear

My typo game is string.

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.