would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
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“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit