Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

GUY: *cuts me off in traffic

ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon

they should invent a hydrating liquor

The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.

Him: Wanna see my prison tats?

Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys

Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in

Feels like the fourth month in January

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree

WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings

WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped

WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death

ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.

A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.

You’re an adult. You can do what you want.

Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body

Disciples: ooh

Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood

Disciples: ahh

Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]

You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.

It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises

Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today

This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.

Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.

Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us

‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.

[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]

Green leader: Area secured. Over

Me: Apple Turn. Over

GL: Wha

Me: Extreme make. Over

GL: Take that guy out too

You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating