Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.

Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.

Look what the cat dragged in!

*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.

She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.

Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.

Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty

Me: How are you doing?

4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!

Me: Same though.

Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.

I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.

As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.

Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.

KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.

My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.

My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.

HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!

Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent

ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.

– inventor of steel

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.

Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something

12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?

I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

*Speed Dating*

Him: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”

I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.