Would it be possible to visit this cool ranch where the Doritos are being packaged? I just want to make sure they’re being treated well
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this makes me so uncomfortable
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Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
💀💀💀💀
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Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
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major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it