“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
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Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.