Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”

Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

You: Sitting down to eat

Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?

I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.

Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks

[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]

Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?

Wife: what?

Me, louder: I’m going to the bank

Wife: what?

Me: I’M LEAVING YOU

Wife: ok

My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.

worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.

Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: wow that was really fast

Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.

I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

per my last wtf

titanic

one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it

We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.

Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.

I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day

My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight

I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.