“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
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i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”