“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
You Might Also Like
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.