“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
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To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
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you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
