Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
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It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
when you order from DoorDastardly
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.