Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
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Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Is your wife single?
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting