Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.

When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.

Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?

Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.

No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.

never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar

Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.

People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school

Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!

#curvyissexy

I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.

Most Common Source of Electricity

Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January

How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…

Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.

No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.

They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing

ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication

Me, walking into my mom’s house

16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*

One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?

Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want

All 4 teen boys: *grin*

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations

Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”

Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”