Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
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When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?
[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player