Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
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“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
This is sending me to another galaxy
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
You are what you delete.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?