Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.

I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’

[she comes home with a doggy bag]

Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*

I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team

For when Tinder doesn’t work

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter

*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*

…*exhale*…

…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Uh oh 👀

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

date: I’m a really big people person

frankenstein: omg, same

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

wishing you and yours all the best

I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!

I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable

“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”

– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…

It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.

Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”

*and I was like _whatever_*

I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]

My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.

I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.

Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.

[At the register]

“Find everything ok?”

“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”