Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
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AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
a badder mouse
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
LOL
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao