Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
You Might Also Like
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
That’s enough internet for the day
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.