Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
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me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*