Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
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Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
How dude HOW?!
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL