Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
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Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Terribly Tuesday.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
I think my mom just blocked me
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
the #horror is real!
Truth
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops