Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes

My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home

pal: what’s your favorite band

me: idk probably rubber

Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.

Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.

My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.

[First day of jury duty]

*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?

-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!

Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.

DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?

VADER: On the dark side.

DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?

VADER: Star bucks.

6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?

Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!

6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!

My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.

We are a joint family.

I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.

awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february

Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry

god: next up for 2020-

angel: crap, what now?

god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS

angel: i’ll get legal

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.

Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that

If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.