Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks

The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up

Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?

A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.

At a business meeting:

“How about SuperCupid?”

“No, expectations will be too high”

“GreatCupid?”

“Lower”

“Uhhh, OKCupid?”

“Brilliant”

ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs

No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.

Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?

Me: “The The Batman”?

[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.

If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger

[ IDEA ]

An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up

ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today

ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE

ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.

logging onto twitter…

“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves

*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*

My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close

but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend

I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.