would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
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God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.