Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.

HER: Whisper in my ear

ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

Bill is short for Billiam

[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy

Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.

*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*

I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.

If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing

My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.

Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice

I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.

WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?

I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.

ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?

ME: Not murdering.

ATTORNEY: But where were you?

ME: {sweating} The not murder store.

SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then

I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!

There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.

My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.

Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.

Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.

[first date questions]

You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone

Whatever she’s probably vegan