Would make a brilliant taxi driver
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WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card