Would make a brilliant taxi driver
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Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.