Would make a brilliant taxi driver
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I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”