would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
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a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
the greatest twitter interaction
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart