would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
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I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up