would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
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Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Most Common Source of Electricity
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.