“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
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Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket
me: can you just let me go with a warning this time
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.