Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories

Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better

Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.

Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!

Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*

Had a rough week. Might get bangs later.

February 27th, 2020.

I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.

Never give up on your dreams, kids.

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks

People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?

Him: You’re some eye candy.

Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.

I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.

Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?