would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
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Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Covert ops
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
All set.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”