Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.

A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”

The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”

Manager: Is there any training you’d like to attend this year?

Me: Could I attend “Advanced Tolerating Simpletons”?

Manager:

Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.

Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.

“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”

HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!

Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.

Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?

Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS

Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.

For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.

Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?

Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes

Therapist: So around what, five?

Me: Seven this morning

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.

Pilot: welcome aboard

Fighter pilot: [right hook]

as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”

My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

[dinner at brother’s house]

“So where are the kids?”

Brother: I grounded them.

*spits out meatloaf*

Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.

Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!

Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?

Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-

[train explodes]

doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas