Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?
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There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.