Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?
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*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
