Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?
You Might Also Like
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
I’m 36 going on 37.
Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability