Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
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What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
a lot to unpack here
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
😜
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*